I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
3 2 1 whiskey
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
