yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
