Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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