Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
