Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
