I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
