Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
