I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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