we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
