I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
