Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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