I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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