I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
