Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
