I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I wear drunk well.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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