wrigley field is MILF paradise
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
