I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
