Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
