Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
