after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
