I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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