ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
areolas are like halos for boobs.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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