I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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