12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
