I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
