Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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