I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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