yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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