Moan for me like Helen Keller
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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