So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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