I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
