I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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