After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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