If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
