Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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