he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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