TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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