Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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