That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
