Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
