dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
