a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
