Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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