How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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