fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize