tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
