real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
