I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
