so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
