he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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