Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
