Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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