Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
