I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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