i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
