bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I think I died a long time ago.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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