allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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