she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize