She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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